A-Z Challenge day 13

M for marriage

When I was about 15, I always said that I´d never get married and I didn´t want any children at all.

Now, 30 years later, I have been married for 25 years and have 3 nearly grown up children.

What the hell happened?! Well, life that´s what happened 🙂

I met my future husband through a friend, her boyfriend and my boyfriend where mates in the british armee and while she eventually broke up with hers, I got pregnant and we had a daughter. A couple of months later we got married. He left the armee, got a job and life was good for a long time.

We had two more children, both boys, and everything was fine until his health started to slowly deteriorate, so he eventually lost his job. For a long time we didn´t know what was wrong with him, he had a couple of operations on his arms because the doctors thought that he had trapped nerves,but it didn´t improve at all

.For a while he was treated for depressions, that was a really difficult time for the whole family. He still has off days but nothing like before.

Just recently he was diagnosed with Parkinsons. So at least we know now what is actually wrong with him. Not that it makes life any easier, because we all know that it is a degenerative disease, and the treatment is not at all easy. But we hope that they will find something that can help him at least control the tremors.

My health is not so great either, my knees and back are shot, I´m in constant pain, so that is not so much fun, but I´m hopeful that the operation will take care of at least the knee problems.

So, why are we still married after such a long time, if there have been that many problems? Believe me, for quite a while when it was really bad, I was tempted to just tell him to get out and go back to the UK.

When he was deep into his depression, it was a horrible time for the kids and myself. I was still working long hours and once a week I was meeting up with friends to go out after work, because frankly I needed to get out of the house to talk to somebody outside the family. I just couldn´t  bare to go home to a husband that was totally withdrawn and only absorbed in his own dark world.

Eventually after going into a psychiatric hospital for 3 months, he started to get a bit more active and even though he is still very quiet, always has been really, the dark phase was mastered.

I guess I was really close to a depression myself, but because I had to function with me the only one working, I never really had the chance to fall into that deep a hole.

I had a 3 week stay in a reha- hospital myself, where I managed to get away from the family completely, because it was so far away, nobody could visit me at all. That was a bit lonely, I missed the kids horribly, but on the other hand I had time just to myself, lots of treatments and nobody to drag me down any further. I came back a lot healthier and a bit lighter, because I managed to lose a bit of weight as well.

That was about 10 years ago, and we are still together. It hasn´t been easy, and I guess it will not get any easier in the future, but we are married and that is something we take really seriously. Marriage is a promise to go the distance together, to stay together in good times and bad, not just when it is fun.

These days, people get married like it is a game, and once it gets boring, you just get divorced. I really don´t know why they even bother anymore. It isn´t like they really mean what they say when they take their vows.

Hardly anybody is willing to work on a marriage. They think that love is easy, that it is always the other person who should make them happy. They don´t understand that nobody can make you happy every hour of every day without giving himself up in the process.

We are not meant to be happy all the time anyway. If we are happy for to long, we get lazy, and we start getting bored. And the hard truth is, sometimes life just sucks, big time. It can be really hard,but  how will you appreciate the good times if you never know the bad?

In the end, you can´t expect anybody to make you  happy, you have to figure out what you can handle and what you can do to make yourself happy. A spouse is not meant to be your servant, they shouldn´t give up their hopes and dreams just to make your life easier or better. You should learn to compromise and try and help each other.

It doesn´t mean that you have to spend every minute with each other, sometimes it is more important to give each other the room for development, and the trust that your partner knows what is best for both of you.

In the end, marriage comes down to one truth: If both partners try to make sure the other one is happy, if they are observant and selfless, a marriage will work. Respect and tolerance will help a great deal as well, but the most important thing is a good sence of humour. Even after a bad fight if you can still laugh together, there is a good chance that your marriage will last a long time.

Love and light

Mimi

 

 

 

Advertisements

One thought on “A-Z Challenge day 13

  1. Very well written, Mimi, and congratulations on not giving up!

    I was just thinking about this the other day. What happened to “for better of worse”, people seem only to sign up for the “better” part, but guess what, the grass isn’t greener on the other side.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s